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New decisions

New decisions - Annette Beus

After four months of staying away from my workshop, from paint and canvases, I managed to do one painting. I missed playing with colors. I missed letting my mind err while I am focus on the creative process. I needed to get away from my patient duty and enjoy myself.

So what if my hands were shaking or ached? I feel the pain anyway! At least, now I had a good reason to be in pain. Because I had spent some quality time doing something that I really enjoyed. Not because I am turning more crippled each day.

I am not in denial. I know precisely where I am and how it will all end. Meanwhile I want to enjoy my life. I am satisfied that I tried whatever was available under the sun. If nothing worked out for me, that is another story.

I will not hide away form the world and drown into self-pity. No! I still have life within my body. While I am still breathing, I won’t give up living. I am not scared of the end. Whatever is written for me, let it come my way. I am ready to go anytime.

I had a nice life, I lived it fully and I am planning to enjoy every drop of it until my last breath. I am just hoping I won’t end up in a wheelchair. I don’t wish to be a burden to anyone. If that happens, I won’t like it. I rather close my eyes forever instead of being stuck into a wheelchair, losing my independence and having my husband to take care of me. No way!

That being said, I have decided to make some changes. I will go back to work, I will continue to exercise at the group fitness center Mississauga, I will stop taking those crazy meds that made me feel worse than I already was. Each one of the pills had a long list of possible side effects. I had them all. In bulk. I don't think I missed one. As a bonus to my initial health issues, that were already draining me.

Needless to add that my family was not thrilled to hear my news. I understand that they are all worried for me. Though, in the same time, they all have to take in consideration that it is my life that we are talking about, not theirs.

 

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